Flag on the Play: 15 Yards for Roughing the Language

I’m feeling particularly irritable today, so its time for a bit of a rant.

As you might guess from the mere fact that I have this blog, I love to write. I like words and I enjoy turning a phrase. I also love to read a well-crafted story, or a well-written blog. I have a few blogs that I particularly enjoy simply because of the way they are written. One of my favorite websites -- Television Without Pity -- combines my appreciation for people who write with wit, intellect, and humor with reviews of some of the more interesting television shows out there.

But this isn’t about that. This is about those among us who butcher the language in ways that are particularly grating. Here are some of the abuses of language that simply set my teeth on edge. This list is by no means exclusive. These are just the instances that hit me today. I’m sure I’ll add more.

“Supposably.” This one rears its ugly head time and time again. I put this one first because it was recently thrust upon the nation in the current edition of the reality show, Survivor. The use of this non-word is bad enough in day-to-day dealings. But to give it a national platform on broadcast TV? My teeth hurt just hearing it. People: the word is “supposedly.” It’s an adverb. It’s used to describe how something was “supposedly done,” or what someone “supposedly believed,” as a way to indicate that something may not actually be the case.

“Irregardless.” I know, I know. This one has gained acceptance over the years (which is my growing fear for “supposably,” by the way). But just because everyone uses it doesn’t make it right. The word you’re looking for is “regardless.” If you want to be creative, try “irrespective.” But regardless of the fact that irrespective is the word folks should probably use, they insist on saying “irregardless,” without any regard to the consequences of their continued misuse of the language.

“Its” versus “it’s.” When the dog is going to visit its mother, it does so without the apostrophe. When it is too hot outside for the dog, it’s too hot outside. The first is the possessive (which is what screws people up, because when Joe is going to visit Joe’s mother, he takes the apostrophe with him). The second is a contraction of it + is, where you always need your apostrophe. It’s really not that hard, folks.

“Confidant.” This is not about a non-word; it is about a mispronunciation, and this is directed more at the news media types. It’s bad enough that someone mispronounces a word. However, the news media should know better than to broadcast an interview with someone who refers to the crime victim’s friend as a “con-FI-dent,” with a long “i” sound and the accent on the middle syllable. The person you entrust your secrets to is a “CON-fuh-dahnt.”

“Epitome.” Another mispronunciation, thankfully not in wide use, but it’s stuck with me since I first heard William Shatner asked if the role of Captain Kirk was the “EH-pih-tome” of his career. Shatner paused, acknowledged that it was, and then, without missing a beat, said that it was also the “eh-PIH-tuh-me” of his career as well. The comment was lost on the interviewer. My suggestion: either look up the word first, or use an alternate -- like “embodiment” or even “perfect example.”

“Accessory.” Yet another mispronunciation that, unfortunately, is increasingly insinuating itself into the language, thanks to commercials on television. I first encountered this mispronunciation years ago when someone I was working with attempted to do a voice-over for a radio commercial by describing a sale on “assessories.” I had to break out the dictionary to show that the store was actually selling “ack-SESS-uh-reez,” and even then I was met with resistance. However, sales on “assessories” are now becoming the new hot thing. I know, because I’ve heard about them in TV commercials for a variety of local and national department stores. Here’s the problem. An assessor makes assessments, as in the case of the tax assessor. The assessor may do things in an assessorial way, and I expect that the assessor may use his assessing accessories when working. But, until someone creates an assessory (perhaps where an assessor might be trained), there are no such things.

“Valentime’s Day.” It is not a time for valens. It is a day named after Saint Valentine. We don’t receive valentimes on this day. We receive valentines. Think “fork,” as in “tines on a,” and you’ll be alright.

I’ll be adding to this list, I’m sure. These are the ones that tick me off today. Please feel free to add your own.

Finally, just to lighten things up a bit, here are some colorfully mixed metaphors that have made me laugh:

“People are dying like hotcakes.”

“He’s a little green behind the ears.”

“She took to it like a duck out of water.”

“We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it.”

“Life isn’t always a bowl of chili.”

And, perhaps my favorite:

“Our relief pitching was damned good, great,” said manager Whitey Herzog, who violated a sacred cow for the second time in a week and got away with it. (Now doesn’t that present an interesting mental picture?)