Smoking

I first smoked when I was in the second grade. No, really. My family was living overseas and I fell in with a crowd of older kids who got their kicks pinching cigarettes from folks who'd left them with their belongings at poolside while they swam a few laps. So, my "gang" would lift a few cigarettes here and there, and then we'd all run off into the bushes to smoke. I don't remember too much about the actual "smoking" itself, but I was accepted by the "big" kids, so I remember being content. When we got back to the US, there was no pool, no "cool" big kids, and no one pinching cigarettes for me so, in a non-smoking household, I had no reason, and no opportunity, to keep up the habit.

I didn't pick up a cigarette again for another twelve years. Then, in college, I hooked up with a girl who smoked, and she found it relaxing and calming, so I tried it again (college being a semi-stressful time, especially around exam time). And she was right -- the act of smoking, and the nicotine, was relaxing and calming. Lighting a cigarette, by itself, was a ritualistic event. Then, the slow inhale of smoke, and the slight nicotine buzz you got, had a calming effect.

At the time, though, I was also playing basketball. Smoking and basketball does not mix (imagine that). All that smoke tends to clog up the lungs, and basketball was far more important to me, so I stopped after a few months. Cold turkey. No problem. I just stopped, and didn't pick up another cigarette for almost a decade.

Law school brought the cigarettes home again. Stressed out and anxious during my first year (which took place after I'd worked in the "real world" for a few years), I remembered the calming effect of the cigs, so went back to them, to help get me through the first few months of being a 1L (first year law student). But basketball saved me again; I hooked up with a bunch of basketball players during that first year and, three times a week, we all had a 3 hour block of time between classes, so we'd play pick-up games for a couple hours, to relieve stress and escape from the rigors of class. That, plus my running (I was doing about four miles a day on non-basketball days), kept me from letting the cigarettes take over. So I stopped smoking again, cold turkey, for a few more years.

I picked them up again in 1993, during the first year of my now soon-to-be-ending marriage. Again, stress and anxiety brought them into my life, and again working out and athletics (mostly running) chased them out.

2007 brought the return of the cigarettes. The recent loss of my dad, the demise of the marriage, the sickness and ultimate passing of my mom (and several other personal things going on that I have yet to chronicle) brought stress back into my life by the boatload. Enter the Camel (my brand of choice). I started up again in November 2007, and have yet to put them down. I'm only smoking about a half-pack (usually less) each day, but they certainly do help me handle the stress. It's something about the nicotine, and it's something about the act of lighting up, and sitting still, and not doing anything else but focusing on the cigarette, that slows life down, and calms me down. And, unfortunately for me, I don't have basketball right now, and I'm so tired of running (after many, many years of doing it) that I don't have the athletic counter that always seemed to intervene on my behalf.

Of course I know that smoking's not healthy. But it certainly is enjoyable, at least to me, and at least for now. Plus, smoking is cool, right? That's what it says here, isn't it?

And here, too, right?

And here are six reasons why I should keep smoking.

And what about the cool image that smoking projects?






I know I should quit. But this is actually the first time that I haven't really wanted to, and haven't really had the incentive to do so. There's still too much stress, I still look forward to the little peace that a cigarette break can bring, and I do enjoy my cigarette and coffee on those mornings when I actually have time for them.

But I will quit. I'm actually starting to miss basketball again, and I'm actually starting to miss my running again. I'm not smoking enough to stop me from doing either one of these things, but I know that I'll do them better without tobacco. So I will quit. I should. Just not quite yet.